“Addiction began in my parent’s basement when I was eight years old. I found a bottle of booze. They never found out. I started sneaking something every once in a while. I was hiding from something. I was adopted at two. I think they got me out of a pretty bad situation and there were things not dealt with. I was 18 when I had my oldest son and started using meth. My son we premature and I had to feed him every two hours. I was an exhausted single mom. I took meth as a stimulant because someone said I would have more energy’s to stay up all night and clean my house and lose some weight. I thought I had baby fat. It was the perfect storm, but I didn’t think taking meth was a bad thing because it was getting me through a hard time. It kept me awake and gave me a lot of energy and focus and I got my house clean. But after a few months, it changes and you don’t clean your house as much and you don’t lose the weight. Your body gets used to it.
I was an exhausted single mom and started taking meth as a stimulant
I was on and off it for almost ten years. I got clean when I was 27. I had enough. My youngest was living with his dad and my oldest was living with my mom. I was homeless and in and out of jail. I didn’t have much left. I hit bottom, but my bottom was spiritual. The drug was so powerful that it took the desire to be a mother, daughter, or to be a human away. I was constantly chasing and let everything I love go for that feeling. Or lack of feeling. There was a moment of clarity and I got on my knees and said, ‘I can’t do this anymore, but I can’t quit on my own.’ The craving is like an animalistic desire to drink water when you are thirsty. If you are thirsty enough, you will do anything to find water or food. There is a fundamental desire to survive and there is a twist that an addict has that says, ‘In order for you to survive, you have got to get high on this.’ Telling someone addicted to just stop is like telling someone who is thirsty in the desert to stop looking for water. It is that fundamental. Addiction is a disease. I am 16 years clean and I still fight the desire every day. It scares me enough to guard my environment and stay around people who are clean. You have to know yourself well enough to know that this is a day that I am not as strong. There are days the addiction voice may be a little stronger or my mouth may be watering at the thought of a drink. Sometimes family functions are the trigger and I have to take someone from recovery with me.
When you are early in recovery you don’t know all of this about yourself. Stick and stay. Don’t leave the recovery program, even if you go high. At some point, the veil will drop and the spiritual part of you that doesn’t want this life any more will eventually step in. Domestic violence is the same sickness, the same twist in the brain. In order for me to survive, I have to stay here. If I don’t stay here, my spirit will die. We have to be around people who are healthy long enough to say I can do this. I am enough. My oldest son is now a Marine. I encourage him to talk to him with someone about the truth of where he comes from and how to deal with being raised by an addict. I want better for him.”