“I am trying to find some peace. My brother committed suicide last year. He was my only sibling and it has been so hard. It was a big surprise. He was a lively, joking person and was excited about a new job he was going to start. Nobody picked up on any signals. He woke up one morning and jumped off the Cochrane Bridge, a month before he turned 40. I am divorced and he played many roles in my life. We were closer than we have ever been these last few years. I feel empty and lonely without him. His children are having a hard time coping. It is hard to wake up and realize your loved one took his life. I am no longer crying every day, but I feel like people don’t understand my pain. We try to put a timeline on grieving and I don’t think that is possible. Everyone has their own way of grieving. It bothers me that people seem to have moved on with their lives and forgotten about him.
He was three years younger than me and a mama’s boy. He always got me in trouble. He did sneaky stuff and set me up. Then we became teenagers and did the sneaky things together and covered for each other. I felt like I always had to be there to protect him. If something went wrong he came to me, but this time he didn’t come to me. I joined a suicide survivors group on Facebook and learned we can’t blame ourselves. I blamed myself that I should have picked up on it. We talked every day, all day long. I gained a lot of weight a few years ago and he inspired me to start exercising. He walked with me. I lost 45 pounds, but I have gained most of it back since he died. He was always an inspiration to me and I never got a chance to tell him that. I wish I could have one full day back with him.
He left my mother’s house a little after 7 that morning and passed by my house because we all live on the same street. I saw his car pass by a million times and wish I had been outside to flag him down and have that last conversation with him. Maybe I could have said something that would have changed his mind.
I found out last week my boyfriend has been cheating on me. He is in medical school and we had been looking for houses together. I am baffled because he wasn’t who I thought he was. I had a hard time opening up to people because of what I have been through and then he destroyed me. I am 45 and want to get married again, but time is not on my side.
I have to take care of me. I love art and to decorate events and homes and I want to open my own decorating business. I have to let go of fear and do it. I am a Pisces and love music and that is why I have this tattoo. Music and my dreams will get me through this.”
(If you are thinking about suicide or need emotional support, call The Suicide Prevention Lifeline that is available 24/7 across the U.S. 1-888-273-8255. In south Alabama, call 211 for help in hopeless situations through Lifelines Counseling Services. There is also a Survivors of Suicide Support Group. Someone is always be available to listen)