“I was on drugs and living in a trap house in Foley. I almost died multiple times. I have been sober nine or ten months and I am back to my normal body weight. I had gotten down to 120 pounds. I was hanging around the wrong crowd and there were a lot of emotions and memories I was trying to suppress. After the withdrawals stopped, the severe anxiety and depression began. My emotions were all over the place. I couldn’t afford rehab so I have had to do this myself.
I have lost quite a few friends to overdoses. My best friend died two years ago. He was playing with a .45 in a trap house in Illinois and shot himself in the head because he was too far out on drugs. It is easier to be numb for a while. Whatever you are trying to suppress and avoid never goes away unless you get so far gone that you forget about it. I don’t want to get to that place. I am learning I have to deal with my problems and not run away from them. The problems will always be there no matter how many drugs you do or how many times you go to the hospital. I try to be kind and positive to the people who have been through the same thing as me. You can tell who have had a bad day at the Dollar General or the grocery store and I try to encourage them.
My tattoo says blessed. The cuts on the other arm are from two months ago. By the fifth cut, it went too deep and then I saw the skin separate and the blood come out. The cuts were for attention. I felt alone and that no one understood my anger and the things inside me. I didn’t understand them, either. I felt like everyone thought I was crazy. I beat myself down and was crying out for help. The cuts are by the cross tattoo. It is a constant battle between the spirit and the flesh and sometimes the devil wins. My roommate kicked me out and my boss fired me after they thought I tried to commit suicide. My boss had tried to help me and talked with me about God. I began understanding and got closer to God for a few weeks, but I started backsliding and smoking pot. I know God is there and talking to me in the still, small voice. I need to do better listening. My boss was a good man and I feel bad that I let him down.
I need counseling. I have bad social anxiety and with bad communication and social skills from suppressing my emotions for so many years. I sobered up and am trying to come back to society but I am not the same person I was before I started drugs and that hurts. I go to church and believe in God. I know that I am not the mistakes I have made and God has a better plan for my life. I promise you I will get real help.”