“The tattoos on the backs of my hands are crosses. They are so deep, they are more like brandings. One is for my mom and the other is for my nephew who passed away the same year. Every time I ball my fist up, I think of my mother. She keeps me straight. I am bipolar schizophrenic. It is hell and misunderstood all of the time. Someone doesn’t talk to me, I punch the door and walk off. I can control it better now. I have been without medication for a long time. I am also very dyslexic so school wasn’t great. I went to boot camp when I was 17 because I was in some trouble. After that, I went to school to be a paramedic and was going to be a firefighter but walked away from it to take care of my mother. She had fibromyalgia, osteoporosis, scoliosis, epilepsy and MS. I was 20 when she died about ten years ago. She also died when she gave birth to me but they brought her back. They had told her to abort the pregnancy because I was going to take everything from her.

I was on medication since I was four years old and I have tried a lot of them. It is hell without the medication, but I can’t afford it now. I am someone who could build a mansion with the correct medication.

What made you want to walk up to me out of all these fancy people? You wonder if anyone really gives a damn whether you or born, live or die. Is anyone going to remember you? I try to make music so I can leave something behind. I play piano and sing. Anything that has emotion, I can put more into it. Music settles me down. I am afraid of not coming through and being dependable. We need to depend on each other. I turned over my leaf and tried to do good things regardless if karma comes back good to me.

Normally I don’t have friends very long. I get pissed and can’t do anything about it. It used to be really bad when I got mad. It was like a switchover and it felt like someone else was driving and I was just the guy honking the horn. I haven’t dated anyone in a long time. I am not scared of being alone, but I am scared of getting attached to people. People can leave my life as long as they don’t die. I want everybody to win. Everyone I love, who loves my name or hates it, I don’t want them to have to worry, wonder or want.

I am proud of who I became. I could have been a lot worse and I had every right in the world to be hell, but that is no excuse. People need people to care. If a bunch of people don’t care, the loop is closed. You have to be willing to give everything you have, even if it feels like you have nothing.”