“I just kept doing the same thing. The money was there, but I kept using cocaine. It was always the girls that pulled me in. The wrong woman and I would get sucked down. I did cocaine for about 25 years. I recently started drinking with it and that is why I am at the Waterfront Rescue Mission now. I never got high while I worked, but then I started missing work when I started drinking. It wasn’t something I did every day, but when I did it, I would do it for days. Cocaine started when I got divorced and had freedom and was looking for attention from someone. I did it to try to cover the pain, but it is only for a little while and the pain comes right back. And then you do it again. And then you do it again. I love my kids and couldn’t stand the separation, but I guess cocaine was greater than my kids. Now they are grown, they went to college and have their own homes. They are doing better than I am, so I did something right. Things I am doing for them, I should have done for myself. You always want better for your kids. I never got that out of hand. I saw that it could and that is why I came here, voluntarily. It is like being out of breath. You know you are going to do the same thing. You don’t want to, but you do it anyway. I needed someone to help me do something different. I came here and started reading the Bible and found a lot of comfort there. The same comfort I was getting from cocaine, I got from the Bible. I never want to do coke again. Alcohol wasn’t my thing, it was just something to do with the crowd. Cocaine is what I lusted for. It will always be there, but the Bible will always be there too. I worked in restaurants and have cooked for vice presidents and governors. I always had money, but the wrong girl would come along and I couldn’t say no. I got tired of the circle I was in, money on Friday and on Monday the money was gone. I spent $800 a week. I found this place and am learning how to cope. That book is giving me peace. Even with the money, I had no peace. People tried to get what I had. I have my bad days and I am learning how to cope with them and the people I do and don’t need to be around. I heard someone say the other night ‘If someone did to me what I am doing to myself, I would kill him.’ We are killing ourselves. I am doing this to myself. I am my worst enemy. I knew I was killing myself but I couldn’t stop it on my own. I cooked and put my kids through college, now I am cooking here seven days a week for free. I am going to Pensacola in a couple of months to finish rehab. Then I will find a job, stay clean, and move on. I will get to stay here a few more months while I am working to save money and make sure I am on my feet. Send us back out there the way we came in and there is a 90 percent chance we go back to who we were. You have to change everything. I see a lot of people I was getting high with going through this lunch line and seeing the failure in them helps me stay stronger. They don’t want this, it is too much. Some people don’t want to change or let go of control to be here. They have given up and would rather sleep under the bridge. You have to give up something to come here. They need it, but can’t see it right now. You have to do this on your own. The ones who want it, have a place to go. Here you have to be clean, or you are going to be gone. I was led here. I need this. This is nothing for me to brag on. It is actually sad, but I am changing that.”