“My mom was a drug addict, so I grew up with drugs. I had friends over in eighth grade to smoke weed, and it was never frowned on. I was molested from the ages of five to 10. That man did some sick shit to me. I didn’t have a great beginning, and it just kept going into a crazy life. I was later in a bad car accident and they put me on Percocet. That started my addiction to pain pills. I became addicted to the drugs and people in this lifestyle.
We weren’t the family-dinner type, and I always had to rely on myself. I’ve been homeless and stolen money from my family and stores. I’ve slept with men just because they had drugs or what I needed. I always tried to be with somebody who was selling dope because I knew I could get high at any time.
It’s the barter and trade system, but it changes you.
Not many people had my best interests at heart because they were getting high, too. Friendship is twisted for people on drugs. If my friend was dopesick, I loved her so much that I wanted her to feel better, so I gave her some dope. We don’t stop and think, ‘Hey, if I love her, I won’t bring her any of this.’
I was on pain pills until someone offered me a shot of heroin mixed with meth. I had never used a needle, but I was curious. I didn’t love heroin, but it was readily available and easier to get than pain pills.
Two years ago, heroin was all I could find, but that has changed. Right now, I can call folks in a five-state region and ask them for ‘brown,’ which is boy, or heroin. They will say the only thing they can get their hands on is ‘fent,’ which is fentanyl.
I didn’t ask for fentanyl the first time I used it. I went to my dope man’s house for the usual, and he handed me powdery stuff. He told me it was stronger than what I wanted, but I wouldn’t have to do much of it.
It was fentanyl, the scariest and most addicting drug I’ve ever done. It flooded our community and killed several of my friends. I hate fentanyl but it was an opiate. I couldn’t find heroin, so I went with fentanyl. It would instantly kill me, but I kept trying it. I might do good for a few days and then bam, an overdose. I was blessed to be around people who cared enough to revive me each time.
I have a stack of hospital bills from my overdoses across the Gulf Coast, some include ambulance rides and life flights. There are also a couple of fresh ones. I don’t know why God has kept me alive.
I am in rehab now, but I have had relapses and bumps in the road. I battle this every day. When I get stressed out or overwhelmed, I want to say forget it, let’s get high. I am on suboxone and that is getting me through.
I have learned so much about myself in rehab and being around others. I realized I was self-centered and more screwed up than I thought I was. It is hard knowing I change into a weak and heartless person when I am using.
I still fight with this every single day. I am trying to surrender to the understanding that I can still live life without sticking a needle in my arm, or that I need food in the refrigerator instead of a pocket full of dope.
If I see somebody at Walmart that looks high, I feel a little envy and anger that I can’t do it. That’s how deep addiction goes. Staying clean hasn’t gotten any easier, sometimes it’s even harder.
I don’t want to be a slave to the needle in my arm, and I am trying to deal with my own bullshit. Making other people smile and listening to music is getting me through. Meet Virginia by Train is my go-to song.
My mom just put herself into rehab. That was a pivotal moment for me because she wants better and is finally remembering her worth. We are worth so much more than who we are in addiction.”